


first to remember

by dancingwiththewind (highfaenyx)



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Gen, character study of a kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 17:54:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17288654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highfaenyx/pseuds/dancingwiththewind
Summary: What I’ve gotten instead was another life. Another lives, dozens of them; some blissed with ignorance, and some - with pain of remembering the times of war that passed thousands of years ago.





	first to remember

The stars sparkle in the sky above me, blurring in my unfocused gaze; unshaken and enduring in their silent existence - so unlike me.

I lie on the cold marble floor of the palace of my princess, and look through the glass roof of the throne room. I count the moments no more - the time now flows in an instants of the hard breaths I drew.

One breath, then another; I no longer anticipate the reflex of my lungs capturing air, for it simply means more and more pain, and also more blood filling my mouth. My hands, which were holding the icy cold spear piercing my stomach, had lost their grip a while ago; or maybe they didn’t. I cannot feel them either way.

I initially had turned my head on its side to avoid choking on blood; had taken the spear in my hands to take it out, press fingers deep down to keep the guts in, and seek for help.

All done in vain; in a foolish hope to heal my wounds, find my soldiers and lead the wars and battles again. Wars and battles where the good always defeated the bad, and even the deadliest matches resolved in enemies becoming friends they had been once.

Young, naive, idealistic Minoria would have been allowed to have these hopes; the girl laughing in the gardens of Venus, the girl messing around together with her friends, the poetry-loving, kind, sweet girl. _That girl had died long before this day_ , I thought.

That girl had died when the Earth had turned against the Moon, and I had found myself staring at the mirror in my castle on Venus, abruptly catching flickers of light on my armour which I had put on for reasons other than a simple training exercise - for the first time.

When I had asked my mother, _why me, why the impersonation of Love has to lead the war? Not ruthless Reiana, not smart Amelia, not powerful Lita?_ , and she had answered, _Because Love is the strongest of them all, my dear Mina. The most powerful of them all, too, and the most ruthless one; and, in the end, the wisest - but, most importantly, the last one standing._

I expected this brief memory of my mother bring me a flicker of sadness, an echo of what I had felt when I had heard of what happened to my planet and my people. But there was no feeling at all.

Of course. I curve my lips in a bitter smile, just after I drew another increasingly painful breath.

The truth is, though I have killed the naive, sweet princess of myself, my heart - my heart had still been as naive and sweet as before; it had swallowed the war I have waged, coped with the endless kills and treachery. My heart hadn’t stopped beating.

Until the moment I saw a white-haired, intimidatingly tall man conjure an ice crystal sword in his hands, and took the chain in mine. Until I stared into his eyes, and discovered what had always been there: a reflection of a creature I was also, a ruthless general with no opportunity to love, no right for a heart, no permission to feel. Just an emotionless machine of war, intrigue, power and glory.

But I was no machine - and neither was Kunzite, no matter how hard we had tried living up to one; the only thing we could do was to cut our hearts out in the defining moment, when we needed to, and so we had.

And that cost me - _us_ \- everything we had, except for what we owed those we loved.

I had ripped my heart for the sake of war, for the sake of _winning_ the war, for my princess and my land.

He had done the same - and that was the sole reason I had no regrets, for we were two sides of the same coin, forever destined to mirror each other in the most beautiful and sorrowful ways.

 

I die then, on the marble floor of Serenity’s palace, either from the blood filling my lungs, or from the ice creeping up my arms - I don’t actually remember. I died with no regrets, and no aspirations, but dreaming of Valhalla, of a sort of heaven for my weary soul, a place where I can just lie my head down and rest for a bit.

Naive, and unrealistic, I did understand - but there is no place for a sense of reality in pain.

What I’ve gotten instead was another life. Another lives, dozens of them; some blissed with ignorance, and some - with pain of remembering the times of war that passed thousands of years ago.

I was always the first to remember; first to wield the sword, the chain, the bow, whichever weapon was more suited for the epoch and place I woke up at. I wondered why.

Maybe it was because I was the leader, the shadow behind the throne, the commander of war. Maybe because I was the eldest. Maybe because I was the last one to go.

I prefer the latter, as _his_ awakening has always followed mine.

 

In some lives, my soldiers also remember. My princess and her prince always do; yet they are always oblivious to the bloodshed we led behind their backs. That had been our goal, to protect and shield their purity from the outer world, to keep them a symbol of love, hope and happiness for the whole galaxy.

In some lives, my soldiers also remember, and my heart, no matter how hardened and stiff it was, aches for them. _How can you live with this burden every fucking time, Mina,_ they’d ask me when I’d help them connect the pieces of puzzle their memories were, _how can your heart take it?_

 _Because there is no other way,_ I would answer most of the times, and that was not untrue.

I always told the truth - a trait that distinguishes truly great liars; and I was a liar, for I kept the right answer to myself.

_Because there is no other way, and because I share this burden with him._

 

In all my lives, I’ve spent years looking for him in the crowds of ordinary people. I could spot him among hundreds, thousands, millions. He could, too.

In some lives, we fight again. In some, we don’t; in some, we do not recognise each other.

I had been a warrior, an actress, a scientist, a humanitarian; he had been a businessman, a dancer, a knight, an engineer. We treaded thousands of paths, lived them all. Yet, in every life, we love each other, a blessing disguised as a curse.

Our swords don’t clash but caress one another when we fight - not for ourselves, but for those we are loyal to. Our hands trace the lines of each other in more peaceful times; and his is the face that I almost remember even when I don’t.

Kunzite was always what home meant to me. I did try to deny it, but I had many lives to live to prove me wrong.

Yet neither of us ever had a right for a _home._ For freedom. For peace.

For love.

 

I thought of many things when I was lying on that marble floor a long, long time ago; now they are coming back, one by one.

I thought of how the fate is fair and unfair at the same time. Of how love transcends time and space, and leaves us empty and full. How we try to defy our destiny with it, time after time, - and fail, time after time.

Of how we still believe in its power, even after we lose.

Foolish, naive, desperate Minoria. Stubborn, unyielding, proud Kunzite.

I am sure our fates laugh at us each time we dare to defy them; together, always.

Never alone.

Never in vain.

Never in despair.

 

And the last thing I think of back then, letting out my last breath and looking at the magnificent sky and the planet above me -  _maybe that is how we win_.

**Author's Note:**

> My yet another take on Minako Aino and the pain of having to remember; but, mostly, of living with a memory, and defying fates - time after time.
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcome, as always :)


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